How to extricate yourself from a marriage in 184 easy steps:

1. While in the midst of a life-shattering loss at the age of 29, start working with a therapist.

2. Declare yourself to be well and not in need of help anymore as soon as therapy starts to become hard and everything about your life is called into question.

3. Buck up. You can do this. Marriage is hard.

4. While in the fog and daze of early motherhood at the age of 32, start working with a new therapist.

5. Ask your spouse if they can please start marriage counseling with you.

6. Ask your spouse if they can attend individual counseling as well.

7. Declare yourself well and not in need of further help as soon as your therapist advises you that your marriage is no longer safe and it is a good idea to speak to the YWCA for help.

8. Look at the YWCA homepage.

9. Think about calling the hotline.

10. Tell your spouse that what happened cannot happen again.

11. Hug it out.

12. Perform a Google search for “divorce attorney.”

13. Call the number on the first website you click on and schedule a free consultation

14. Meet the attorney.

15. Give them a full list of your assets.

16. Give them a full list of your debts.

17. Realize immediately that you cannot possibly afford to go through with this.

18. Thank the attorney for their time and say you will think about it.

19. Put the possibility of a divorce out of your mind.

20. Hug it out.

21. Buck it up. You can do this. Marriage is hard.

22. While traveling with your family many months later, you spot the business card for the divorce attorney in your wallet while at an airport somewhere in the Midwest.

23. Excuse yourself to go to the pretzel stand near your departure gate.

24. Order a pretzel.

25. Scan the immediate area for a trash can.

26. Locate the business card discreetly as you look for your debit card.

27. Carefully palm the business card as you pull your debit card out of the wallet.

28. Close your hand gently around the card.

29. Place the loosely crumpled business card in the left pocket of your jacket.

30. Pay for the pretzel with your debit card.

31. Take the receipt.

32. Crinkle the receipt for the pretzel in your left hand, then reach into your left pocket and add the crumpled business card to your now sweating palm.

33. The receipt and the business card are now intertwined together by sweat and pressure in your left palm.

34. Approach the trash can found while ordering.

35. Deposit the small, sweaty wad of paper in the trash can.

36. Do not look into the trash can to make sure that the business card is not visible.

37. Return with your pretzel to your family at the departure gate.

38. Share bites of the pretzel with your spouse and daughter. Isn’t the salt on top tasty?

39. Buck it up. You can do this. Marriage is hard.

40. Repeat Step 38 as often as is needed for five years.

41. The business you have been contracted with offers you full-time employment.

42. Start acupuncture.

43. Start therapy again.

44. Think about stopping therapy.

45. Repeat Step 44 at least 8 times.

46. Stay in therapy even when the difficult and painful truths are uttered into the soft quiet of the therapist’s office.

47. Ask your acupuncturist if they have any recommendations for a divorce attorney.

48. See the name on the yellow sticky note given to you by the acupuncturist.

49. The name looks familiar.

50. While in the parking lot after your acupuncture appointment, perform a Google search for the name provided by your acupuncturist.

51. The website hasn’t changed since you last saw it.

52. From your personal email account (verify that this is not being sent from a joint email account), send a message to the contact listed on the website asking for a consultation.

53. Confirm that you were in the office previously, but it was several years ago.

54. Change your phone pass code.

55. Toss the sticky note from your acupuncturist in a trash can while stopping for fuel on the way home.

56. Make sure your Google account is set to not display your location on your account.

57. Breathe.

58. Adjust notifications for phone calls, text messages, and email to ensure pop-ups are not visible at any time.

59. Drive your car to the central city park.

60. Walk to the attorney’s office further downtown.

61. Pick up a coffee on the way there.

62. Check in with the paralegal, the same one who checked you in last time.

63. Go over your assets.

64. Go over your debts.

65. Do you need a restraining order?

66. No.

67. Were the police ever called?

68. No.

69. Breathe.

70. Review the retainer agreement.

71. Remove $80 from the joint account in the form of cash.

72. Tuck the receipt safely in your wallet.

73. Deposit the receipt in an envelope you decide to keep under the pile of socks you hate wearing but keep around just in case.

74. Walk to the nearby shipping store.

75. Rent a mailbox for one month.

76. Pay with cash. The total is $16.00.

77. Place the key in the tiny coin purse you purchased after graduating high school while on a road trip with friends.

78. Place the receipt in the envelope hidden under your least favorite socks.

79. Walk to a nearby bank (different from the one holding your joint accounts).

80. Open a new checking and savings account.

81. Make sure you list your newly rented mailbox as your mailing address.

82. Do you want any joint owners added?

83. No. My name only, please.

84. Do you have a deposit you would like to make today?

85. Yes. $64. I would like to use it to order checks, please.

86. Deposit the $64.

87. Order the checks.

88. Place the receipts and paperwork in the sock drawer envelope.

89. Go to your safe deposit box at your other bank.

90. Remove the paper bonds your late grandmother bought for you every year until you were ten years old.

91. Take them to your new bank to redeem them.

92. Place your hand lovingly on the faded yellow envelope that held the paper bonds all these years.

93. Breathe.

94. Admire the looped, careful handwriting in soft pencil your Grandmother used to designate the now faded envelope as yours.

95. Breathe.

96. Deposit the redeemed funds into your new checking account.

97. Place the envelope and any receipts with the growing collection of paperwork in the sock drawer.

98. Breathe.

99. Work.

100. Make lists.

101. When your spouse asks if they can see your phone, make sure you breathe normally and calmly. You have prepared for this.

102. Watch as they scroll through your Instagram account.

103. Watch as they scroll through your text messages, which are regularly and carefully culled.

104. Watch as they scroll through your carefully cleaned up and strategically sorted email inbox.

105. Watch as they scroll through recent pictures you have taken with your phone.

106. Breathe when they don’t ask you why you changed your passcode.

107. Go to therapy.

108. Go to acupuncture.

109. Renew your rented mailbox for three months, paying with your new debit card this time.

110. Pick up the new checks when they arrive at your rented mailbox.

111. Make an appointment at the local YWCA.

112. Take a bus downtown, then walk to the YWCA.

113. Go over your safety plan with an advocate.

114. After arriving back home, pack the paperwork kept in the sock drawer into a black backpack you use for work sometimes.

115. Go back to the safe deposit box and remove your vital documents, as well as the vital documents belonging to your daughter who is now 10 years old.

116. After arriving home, pack these items in the black backpack you use for work sometimes, ensuring everything is nestled safely between your notebook and tech supply bag.

117. Add two pairs of the socks you hate into the black backpack.

118. Immediately, after the next payday comes, update the direct deposit information with your new employer so the next paycheck routes to your new checking account.

119. Add two pairs of socks for your daughter to the black backpack.

120. Two days before the next payday, check your new account to see if your paycheck is pending there.

121. Add two pairs of underwear, each, for you and your daughter to the black backpack.

122. Send an email to your HR representative asking if they can verify that the request for the direct deposit update was received.

123. Sign the additional paperwork required.

124. Add one long sleeved athletic shirt and a pair of black 7/8 leggings from the drawer holding your gym clothes to the black backpack.

125. Breathe.

126. Add one long sleeved athletic shirt and a pair of gym shorts from your daughter’s clean laundry pile to the black backpack.

127. Two days before the next payday, check your new account to see if your paycheck is pending there.

128. When you see that it is pending for deposit in the new account, send a message to your attorney’s office stating you are ready to file.

129. When asked if you would like to have your spouse served with the paperwork or if you would like to give him the option of signing for receipt of the petition himself, think quietly for several breaths while staring at the worn blue carpet in your attorney’s office.

130. “I have found, over the years, that a man like this does not respond well to being served at work in front of his co-workers. If you can, it would be good to give him the option of coming here to sign for receipt of his documents. Think about it and let me know by 9am two days from now.”

131. Breathe.

132. Call your attorney back and let them know that you would rather he come into the office to sign for papers instead of being served at work.

133. DocuSign paperwork as it comes into your personal email account.

134. Check in with your daughter’s friend’s mom to see if your daughter could go to dinner at their house two evenings from now.

135. Call your sister, and tell her you are going to talk to your spouse about filing for divorce two evenings from now at 6pm.

136. Call your auntie, and tell her you are going to talk to your spouse about filing for divorce two evenings from now at 6pm.

137. Ask your spouse if they would take your daughter to her friend’s house for a fun dinner two evenings from now at 5:30pm.

138. Breathe.

139. While your spouse is at work and your daughter is at school, place the black backpack with the clothing and paperwork in the trunk of your vehicle.

140. The backpack blends in nicely with the rubber mat covering the floor of the trunk but place a neatly folded picnic blanket on top of the pack. Just in case.

141. Additionally, place the folding lawn chairs and golf umbrellas used to make outdoor events more comfortable in the summer heat around and on top of the pack and picnic blanket.

142. Give your daughter a hug and kiss on the forehead as she heads out the door with your spouse for her friend’s house.

143. After your spouse’s truck has turned onto the main road, and you have counted to 10, remove the driver’s license from your wallet.

144. Remove your debit card from your wallet

145. Remove your credit card from your wallet.

146. Remove the key fob for your vehicle from the key chain it normally lives on.

147. Remove the key fob for your vehicle that lives in the junk drawer.

148. Place the one of the key fobs in the right pocket of the black joggers you love to wear after work.

149. Place the other key fob in the left pocket of your favorite black joggers.

150. Place the driver’s license and the cards in the tiny coin purse.

151. Verify that the key to the rented mailbox is also in the tiny coin purse.

152. Place the tiny coin purse in the front pocket of the bulky grey sweatshirt you love to wear around the house.

153. Pat the pockets of your joggers and hoodie to ensure the contents are secured.

154. Slip into the house shoes you keep under your bag in the entry way.

155. Unlock the front door.

156. Unlock the back patio slider.

157. Unlock the gate to the backyard that is just to right of the back patio slider.

158. Make sure you leave the gate ajar just enough so it can easily be opened in a hurry, but not open enough to be noticeable from the street.

159. Walk around the front of the house to the garage.

160. Back your vehicle out of the garage and onto the street facing South.

161. Close the garage door.

162. Place the key fob from your right pocket in the center consol of your vehicle.

163. Do not lock the doors of our vehicle.

164. Return back to the inside of your house.

165. Make sure your bag is hanging on the coat rack near the entry way.

166. Breathe.

167. Check the time.

168. Sit in the chair nearest the back slider door.

169. Check the time.

170. Breathe.

171. Listen for the sound of the garage door opening.

172. Breathe in.

173. Listen for the sound of your spouse’s truck pulling into the driveway.

174. Listen for the sound of your spouse’s truck pulling into the garage.

175. Breathe out.

176. Listen for the sound of the ignition being turned off.

177. Listen for the sound of the garage door closing.

178. Breathe in.

179. Listen for the sound of your spouse’s boots coming up the steps that lead from the garage and into the house.

180. Breathe out.

181. Stand up from the chair nearest the back slider door.

182. Make sure there is nothing blocking the path to the door.

183. Know you can do this.

184. Speak the words clearly and calmly: “I am filing for divorce.”